dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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