Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
