oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize