How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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