why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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