I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
