yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
