There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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