we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
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Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
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You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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