I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
