i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
