I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
