Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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