I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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