nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
