everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Your penis caused this!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
