I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
