I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
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