My first STD was from a foam party
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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