This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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