im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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