I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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