I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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