Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
