I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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