I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
