the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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