i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
