Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
