look no pants
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
