had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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