Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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