He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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