drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
