It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
