New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
