And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
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just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
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I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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