I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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