Don't make out with my wife yet
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
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They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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