Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
