Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So much rum. So many feels.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
