you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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