Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
