Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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