I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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