First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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