you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
