Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Holy shit dude........stairs
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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