Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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