I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
