She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
