I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
