I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
