Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
