i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
