i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
