These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
