I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
