My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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