you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
